FAYE

I had my VCUG when I was three. I only ever had one, but it has stuck with me throughout my entire life. My mind tried to pack it away in my head for the longest time. I struggled with heavy dissociation throughout my childhood, into my adulthood. When I began to get older, the memories just came rushing back. I remember everything. I remember the hospital waiting room. How it smelled, the dim lights, I even remember playing with the toys before I went into my procedure. I didn't know what was going to happen to me. I remember having this awful feeling as I went into the bathroom to get undressed. I remember asking my dad if I could put my clothes back on before I left the bathroom. I remember crying when he told me no. I asked if I could use the toilet to go to the bathroom. I was met with another no. I remember laying there, screaming. I remember my dad had to help hold me down. I remember the humiliation, the fear, the pain. I remember everything.

I had to wear a catheter for months to collect urine during my childhood. I remember how embarrassed I was. How much I just wanted to be normal. I wasn't potty trained until I was five years old. Half the time I couldn't even hold my bladder, I was so used to a bag being able to collect it for me. I was too tired to get out of bed, I didn't want to go into kindergarten. I wanted to stay home and be alone. I was a child. I should've wanted to have friends, to play with other kids. But I didn't. I was selective mute until I was sixteen. I was the 'quiet' kid. The 'weird' kid. I was alone.

To this day, I still struggle with dissociation. I've been diagnosed with a few mental disorders that make it hard for me to function in everyday life. No matter what I do, it seems like I can't forget what happened to me. My VCUG has made it hard for me to experience things I want to. Sex feels more like violation. Some days my image of myself is so distorted, I don't even know who I am anymore. My self esteem is always at its lowest. I have to take medication everyday to feel better, and it doesn't do much. I can't set boundaries, can't stand up for myself, I can't do anything on my own. Because of my VCUG, I can't function how I'm supposed to. Instead of acting like an adult, I'm just an overgrown child, trying to get back what was taken from me. It's no way to live.

My relationships with friends and family have always been hard. I forgave my dad early on, but he still doesn't understand how bad putting me through that procedure really was. I love him more than anything else in this world, I know he wasn't trying to hurt me. But I just want him to understand how bad it hurt me. At least understand why.

I think that my experience has at least strengthened me enough to take risks. Even with my medical trauma, I want to become a nurse. I want to be a pediatric nurse, so that children don't have to experience what I had to experience. I want children to see that not every visit to the hospital has to be a scary one. I want them to feel safe. I would never want a child to have to go through what I did.

I've spoken to a counselor about what happened to me. I wasn't taken seriously. I was told that everything was confidential, but it wasn't. She told my dad, and she made me sound like I was overreacting. She said I "claimed" it was sexual assault. I didn't "claim" anything. It was sexual assault. It is sexual assault.

Knowing that there's other VCUG survivors out there, it makes me feel understood for once in my life. For sixteen years, I suffered alone. And even just knowing that there's others out there who went through the same thing, makes me feel less alone. Thank you to the Unsilenced Movement for advocating for us.