ANONYMOUS

I am always in that room. I am still screaming and crying. The only difference is that I can’t voice these screams physically. This experience has never left me. It will always be there in the back of my mind, like a videotape on repeat. This isn’t just a memory that I have, it’s a parasite that I will never be able to kill.

I don’t have words to accurately describe the horrors of this procedure. I was 7 when I had my first and only VCUG. I would get UTI’s and my mother took me to every doctors office to try and help me. The VCUG did nothing for me. It didn’t help with anything, and it didn’t give us any answers. I had UTIs because I was scared to use the school bathrooms. I had anxiety. That’s why. That’s why I had to get this procedure. I understand there is many cases where this test saved countless lives, but the way the test is carried out is unbelievable. I can’t believe how overused this test is. It is extremely overprescribed and the lack of proper sedation is inhumane.

The doctors told me I’d be under sedation, my mother told me this too. I didn’t stress to much the next upcoming days, I was told I’d just fall asleep and wake up! I vividly remember looking at the chart they gave me, with different flavors of anesthetic. I was excited that maybe the medicine would taste good.

When I got there, they told me I would be awake, with no pain medication or any mention of sedation. My mother told me that it’s better for me to do this awake. I was confused, I knew that they were going to do something strange but I had no idea the actual horrors that 7 year old me would have to endure shortly after.

My mom told me to bring something to comfort me and distract me while I wait in the waiting room. I choose my Nintendo DS. I had the Pokémon moon game downloaded, I really enjoyed that game. Next thing I remember is a nurse cleaning me, she told me she was going to use a special brown soap. She had a soft tone of voice, but the things she was doing to me was extremely distressing. There were so many people staring at me. It was humiliating. The cleaning was painful, she wasn’t gentle at all. I tried to distract myself by playing my game on my DS. All I could do was stare at the screen, I couldn’t move my fingers all I could do was stare. I couldn’t let them touch me anymore--I kicked and clenched my legs together to protect myself. A nurse spread my legs and forced them down onto the table. After that I froze, I was unable to move. The pain following this was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I’ve broken bones before, also suffer from migraines. The pain was indescribable. The more I screamed and cried I would get looks from the other nurses. My mom just stared at me while this was happening. I was always a well behaved child, and I was taught that if my mom wants it to happen, I don’t have any choice. There will be no use trying to stop it. I will try and put into words how it exactly felt so others who haven’t had this procedure can understand. First it was burning, it felt like they had a lighter to my private parts. Then it was stabbing. The catheter felt like a razor blade. I felt like my legs were being pulled apart to unnatural lengths, it felt like I was being ripped apart. The rest is hard to remember, but the pain of the doctors filling up my bladder to its full capacity was terrifying for little me. It was also extremely painful, but it was an unfamiliar feeling, I had never felt the inside of my own body that way. I thought I was going to die, that my bladder would explode and I would die.

The rest isn’t clear. I still can feel their hands on me, the tape on my leg, the memory of my body being violated like that was stored in my nerves. I feel it everyday. I am terrified of my own body, the thought of organs inside of me moving and functioning make me sick. I thought everybody was utterly disgusted by their own body functioning. Especially my bladder, I had forgotten about this traumatic memory until I was 15 due to dissociative amnesia. I always had an irrational fear that my bladder would one day just explode inside of me. I feel like an alien in a body that isn’t mine.

I like to think sometimes that my body is made of a void space. There’s no blood, tissue, muscle, none of it is inside of me. If I became nothing, I would never have to feel myself ever again. I wanted that feeling of becoming nothing for so long, I discovered that self harm could distract me from that already existing pain. Fortunately, this behavior only lasted for a few months and I have no intention of ever hurting myself again. I would burn myself, with candles, lighters, anything hot. Usually candles though. I would put my finger into the flame and see how long I could hold it there for. The pain was awful, but I had control over this pain. I inflicted this pain on myself. I was in control. The pain in the moment would overpower that memory stored in my nervous system. It was awful but it felt so good. The pain was addicting.

Ever since my VCUG I’ve had severe mental health issues. I was suicidal from the ages of 11 -14. I tried to kill myself once, I took a bunch of pills but then made myself throw it up a few minutes later. I thought I was impersonating a suicidal person. I didn’t think what I was actually experiencing was severe depression. I hated myself because I thought I mimicked suicidal people so I could get attention. I never ever wanted to draw attention to my behavior through my actions and words though, I thought that people could read my mind and know that the way I thought was just me crying for attention.

The nights I would fantasize about ending my life I realized that if I didn’t have a physical body, I wouldn’t have this disgusting, dirty feeling that my body was moving. That my heart was beating, my lungs were breathing, my intestines digesting food. I wanted so badly out of my body, I just couldn’t find a way. I fortunately didn’t have access to many things that I could’ve ended my life quickly with. I wouldn’t be here writing this if i had access to a firearm, any sort of rope that can be tied to a ceiling, or if there was a painless way of dying that was accessible to me.

Now I look back at these experiences and realize that I had already died. I had died there on that table. I didn’t have a body. Nothing made sense. Everything I’ve ever experienced was like I was watching myself through the tiny window in the room that projects movies in a movie theater. The little girl that wanted to be a fashionista, she was creative, and full of energy. She loved to socialize. She was kind to her friends and wanted everybody to be seen and loved. That girl isn’t apart of me now, the space where those experiences should be is empty. I grieve how different my life could’ve been if I had never had a VCUG.

This test ruined my life completely. My relationship with my mom is ruined, and I have a disconnect from my family. I remember thinking that my mom would save me. She was there, watching it. I knew she would save me. She didn't. I am in my late teen years now, soon I will be going to college. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have sex, or even an intimate relationship. It’s all terrifying. I distanced myself from people so I wouldn’t form any strong connections, that could eventually lead to a relationship. I have spent so much time trying to figure out my vaginismus, and what the hell was wrong with me. I will never see a gynecologist. Even with being informed that cervical cancer runs in my family, I would rather die than go to a gynecologist appointment. My childhood was taken from me. I don’t know what the future brings for me, I am still young. I just hope this test didn’t rob me of my future too.