ANONYMOUS

All my life I’ve had all sorts of medical procedures, my primary diagnoses is Ullrich muscular dystrophy, but I just recently learned that as I’ve been misdiagnosed for my entire life but that’s another story. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had many UTIs as a child and that endured many catheters, I was only 3-8. Every time I’ve had one I screamed and cried, and cried on the way there or just thinking about it because of the pain I knew I was gonna endure.

I’ve tried the foley bag they taped on me and waited for me to pee as I laid there naked as they watched and it didn’t work cause who would wanna pee in front of strangers staring at you? So they moved on to the catheters…and that’s where the trauma began.

I resented my mom for taking me to these appointments but know it was necessary for my health, but now I have trauma that will never go away. So not so fun memories from that and I just remembered recently I’ve also had two VCUGs, I was very young around 3-6 and I honestly can’t remember much from it but I just remember it happened and I screamed and cried as my mom had to hold me down. My mom remembers and feels horrible for what I had to endure, after every catheter I couldn’t pee for hours I was terrified cause it hurt.

I felt violated and vulnerable knowing I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I was just a kid and I’m still a kid I’m only 15 and just now remembering all of this, and it’s really taking a toll on me, but I’m glad I remembered because now it explains a lot about my trauma. Anytime my mom would help me wipe I would flinch and cry and tell her to go away and yell stop. I can’t have anyone touch down there without me freaking out and I hate it.

My life is already messed up as it is and I try so hard to be normal and now adding this to the list of stuff I have to deal with isn’t easy. I wish I never had to go through that but it’s over with and I had no choice, now all I can do is move on and try to get through my medical trauma and maybe help others to prevent it from happening to them.

I’d never wish what I went to on anyone, being held down by strangers and your own mom while they open your legs forcefully and insert something inside you. Without even telling you anything. I grew up knowing no one can touch those areas, but there I was being touched and being hurt by the ones who were supposed to help me. Now I’ll forever have trauma about it. I could go on and on about other trauma I’ve endured by doctors, but I’d be here all day typing that, so I’ll leave it at that. :(