"A lot of the work I do is trying to find survivors. My job is kind of finishing the puzzle, and saying, ‘This is what happened to you.’”
In this powerful and revealing VCUG survivor interview, Unsilenced co-founder Mollie Bushart shares her incredible life story of grief, loss, and healing after undergoing three VCUGs in early childhood—which, Mollie says, “definitely impacted me very much as a child.”
“Before having [the VCUGs] done, my parents used to describe me as very adventurous,” Mollie remembers. “I was always the one that wanted to go on big rollercoasters. I was willing to do anything. After the VCUGs, I became very anxious, very withdrawn, very afraid of my surroundings.”
A central part to Mollie’s journey is her longstanding struggle with vaginismus, a condition that multiple healthcare professionals accused her of “making up,” despite the detrimental effects on herself and her long-term boyfriend in New York.
After developing dissociative amnesia due to sexual trauma, Mollie suspected she had vaginismus as early as 12 or 13 years old—just a few years after she started to feel suicidal at the very young age of 8.
At 19 years old, after being told that her medical records had been destroyed, she was lost and left grappling for answers in an empty void, searching for the the truth that she not only deserved, but desperately needed to heal and take back her life.
[4:15] “It was just very obvious to me that I had a definite fear of my genitals,” Mollie says. “I was very against using tampons. It just became more and more clear, the older I got, that something was definitely wrong.”
Her brave efforts to find the answer left her and her long-term partner empty-handed, leading them to wonder if she’d been sexually abused in childhood and repressed the memory. Both her partner and close friend in the psychotherapy field echoed her thoughts, ultimately unable to offer any other potential reason for Mollie’s frustrating and unexplainable struggle.
“I went to my gynecologist, and they said I did not have vaginismus at all,” Mollie recalls. “And I naively believed them instead of myself, which basically led to the first time I tried. And every time after that was like, 'Well, I definitely have vaginismus. There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it.'”
But, Mollie adds, doctors continued to gaslight her into believing there was nothing wrong with her. “It definitely put a strain on my relationship,” Mollie points out. “Not only did I feel like I wasn’t good enough to be loved, and I couldn’t contribute to a relationship what I was supposed to, but it also made him feel insecure about himself, and be afraid of hurting me.”
[7:00] A year later, Mollie found out about her VCUGs in the tiny apartment that she and her boyfriend shared when her mom texted her to say that Mollie had confided to her about vaginismus-related symptoms as a kid, and she suspected the VCUGs may be to blame. She explained that Mollie "wouldn’t even let doctors near her waist area” whatsoever after having the procedure.
“They would have to hold me down just to examine me,” Mollie says. “And so I looked it up online, and I found a whole lot of articles about how safe the VCUG was, and how harmless and risk-free it was. And it was just this feeling of, like…I don’t understand. Because it’s saying that it’s safe, and that nothing happens, and that there’s no risks. But then I’m having all these problems, and they don’t match up together.”
[19:00] In terms of her healing journey, Mollie says that the most difficult part of VCUG trauma recovery was simply coming to terms with the horrible thing that happened to her. “That’s been the hardest part,” she confesses. “I searched for so long. I searched everywhere for an answer to these questions of why I was having so many problems as a kid.”
"I found a whole lot of articles about how 'safe' the VCUG was. And it was just this feeling of, like...I don’t understand. Because it’s saying that it’s safe, and that nothing happens, and that there’s no risks. But then I’m having all these problems, and they don’t match up together.”
Mollie explains that advocacy has been both a positive and negative aspect of her healing journey. As one of the Unsilenced co-founders, Mollie has made tremendous strides to raise awareness, specifically when it comes to being on the lookout for other survivors who are also desperately seeking the knowledge that Mollie once searched fruitlessly for, too.
[19:30] “I feel like I’m making a difference,” Mollie reflects. “And it’s been really rewarding to speak with all these survivors, and hear their stories, because it validates a lot of my experiences. A lot of the work I do is trying to find survivors.”
Helping Women Pick Up the Pieces
[20:15] Mollie compares her role to helping other women "finish the puzzle" just like she had to do. "Some people have a couple pieces," she explains, "and some people have the border, and some people have all but one. My job is kind of…” She pauses, pretends to lay the final piece atop her dining room table in her New York apartment. “Finishing the puzzle, and saying, ‘This is what happened to you.’”
While she greatly appreciates the gratitude from the survivors she’s helped, Mollie admits that the experience isn’t entirely positive. In the same way that hearing other survivors’ stories can be validating and healing, it can also be just as triggering to hear your traumatic experiences mirrored in others’.
[22:50] “Also, not everyone is very accepting of this,” Mollie reminds listeners, a fact that no VCUG survivor could possibly forget. “I feel like I’m at a place where I can tell my story, and it’s not a problem for me.”
In fact, Mollie adds, she likes to tell her story, because it will always be an intrinsic part of who she is. “I feel like it’s a fundamental part of who I am,” she says. “And how I got here. And the people in my life, I want to tell, because I want them to think about that when they’re interacting with me, and knowing that some of the things I do are because of that.”
[21:00] At the same time, Mollie warns, not everyone understands. “Because this took place in a hospital, by doctors,” she explains, “it means that it wasn’t that bad, that it doesn’t cause sexual trauma, that they shouldn’t list the psychological risk, because it would just scare people away…It’s difficult at times, because I think what these people forget is that we still went through this. And even if they don’t believe it’s real, it has a massive impact on our lives.”
“I feel like it is a fundamental part of who I am, and how I got here. I want to tell [people], because I want them to think about that when they’re interacting with me, and knowing that some of the things I do are because of that.”
When asked how she responds to those who mock or invalidate her experience—one that will forever impact her life and adult health—Mollie’s go-to is to discuss her long-term struggle with vaginismus.
[23:00] “It’s helped a lot of people see that this has a real impact on my life,” she explains. “I’ve spent thousands of dollars and hours of my time trying to fix this issue, trying to make it better for myself. And, you know, that’s all because of this test. I know it’s because of this test.”
While she’s making progress toward in physical therapy, Mollie admits that pelvic floor therapy—even with a trusted female physician—can be terrifying and triggering at times. “When I’m dilating, when I’m trying to work on this, I start to have these panicky thoughts,” she says. “Like, ‘Oh my God, it’s in my urethra, it’s reminding me of a catheter…I feel like I’m back there.”
When it comes to spreading the word about VCUG trauma and the very real effects of it for countless other women, Mollie implores healthcare professionals to listen—to her, to her fellow adult survivors, and to the children undergoing this procedure today.
“I’ve spent thousands of dollars and hours of my time trying to fix this issue, trying to make it better for myself. And, you know, that’s all because of this test. I know it’s because of this test.”
[29:50] “One of the most hurtful things,” Mollie expresses, “is not that this procedure was done to me. Because I did have VUR. And I’m not mad that they did it, but I’m mad about the way they went about it, and I’m mad at the lies they told my parents about it. They separated me from my parents.”
According to Mollie, the doctors should’ve known better—a sentiment echoed by every VCUG survivor, given the wealth of studies comparing the VCUG to child sexual abuse and “violent rape.”
“They should’ve listened to the Goodman study back in 1990,” Mollie says. “And they should’ve protected me, they should’ve done more, so I don’t have to be where I am now. Because it genuinely felt like I was alone, and I was almost begging these doctors to help me. And it felt like they were just turning around and saying, ‘No. We don’t care. There’s nothing wrong with you. Get over it.’”
She goes on to say that there were so many people that could have stepped in...but didn’t.
“They should’ve listened to the Goodman study back in 1990. Because it genuinely felt like I was alone, and I was almost begging these doctors to help me. And it felt like they were saying, ‘No. We don’t care. There’s nothing wrong with you. Get over it.'"
[44:51] “For that reason, I’ll never be able to forgive them,” Mollie says quietly. “I understand that they’re people, that they make mistakes. I believe anyone can change, and I hope they do change. But I still can’t forgive the mistake they made to me, because now I have to live with this for the rest of my life.”
Join the Unsilenced Movement
For decades, healthcare communities have failed parents and vulnerable VUR patients by refusing to disclose all risks of the voiding cystourethrogram procedure. This not only violates the parental right to give informed consent, but have resulted in unnecessary devastation in the lives of so many adult women due to the high risk of:
Long-term avoidance of medical care;
Psychological harm, including severe sexual and medical trauma; and
Physical and mental illnesses, such as autoimmune diseases, learning disabilities, PTSD, vaginismus, suicidality, self-harm, and countless others.
As you can imagine, the shocking health effects of the VCUG test impacts survivors’ lives in unspeakable ways and robs them of the ability to live happy, healthy adult lives—which is the least they deserve, given their childhoods were also stolen from them under the guise of a “safe” and “harmless” diagnostic test that doctors reassured them wouldn’t hurt, while promising moms and dads their little girls—some as young as newborns and infants—they would just “forget everything.”
We are those girls. We did not forget.
We can’t force healthcare professionals to retire the “gold standard” VCUG overnight, especially when there is a profit to be made. But we can amplify the voices of our brave Unsilenced survivors, all of whom are a living unfair consequences testament of lifelong pain suffered at the hands of adults entrusted to protect them as children.
The Unsilenced Movement is here to say: NO MORE. Help us amplify courageous voices like Mollie’s by visiting our website to hear from other VCUG survivors and learn more about the true harm of VCUGs. #MoreThanATest
I am struck by how much gaslighting you have experienced in your journey. So sad. Thank you for raising awareness about vaginismus. Pelvic floor dysfunction is a common problem for survivors of sexual assault. I do not suffer from vaginismus myself but experience another type of problem, proctalgia fugax, also caused by hypertonic pelvic floor muscles. Very painful. Also I had no idea that jaw clenching is also related to pelvic floor tension. My teeth have suffered over the years. Despite wearing a nightguard, the force has been enough to give myself tooth concussion. It has been a revelation to me that this is also related to pelvic floor tension. The impacts of this procedure on physical and psycho…
Is there a list of providers in the US that diagnose & treat reflux without a catheter? I am looking for an alternative to a vguc for my daughter after I refused to allow them to do that to her at her appointment. I knew from the moment they told me what it was that it would be trauma inducing . How could it not be?!?! Now we need a solution. I can't find any alternative in Indiana but we are willing to travel wherever .